I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
