john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
