So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
