people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
