just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
