were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
