You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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