i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
