Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
