Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
