Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
