Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
