totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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