Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
