Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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