Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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