I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
