Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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