God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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