Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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