I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
