I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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