my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
