There was a lot of him and a little penis
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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