I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Also, beer. Big fan.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
