He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
