I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
