my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You're like the curious george of whores
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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