I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
