I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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