i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need to calm my uterus...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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