i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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