He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
