I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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