she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
