The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
