OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
