____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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