She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
