barbara walters just said penis...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
