someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
