and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
