Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
