I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
