I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
