Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
