I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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