Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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