Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
