That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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