Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
