And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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