: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
